Some of this is mine, some is reproduced. Enjoy...
Don't tease that lemon.
You can't dye clouds.
Oh, you broke the cheese!
Oh, look, what a polite frog.
Never pull a butcher's tail.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If you can read this, then you are sitting too close to the screen.
Last year has been sent to it's room.
This sentence is a complete lie.
Are you reading me? Are YOU reading me? Are you READING me? Oh, I feel so important now. Thank you.
Don't envy a can of beans, be it.
Why did the cardboard box act that way?
Those raindrops were very sharp.
Of all the people in the entire world, you are certainly one of them.
Cats, in general, are not green.
If you are only here to irritate me, please stay.
Oranges are people, too!
You can't teach a pet religion. That's just silly!
Dig me half a hole, please.
Right now, it is dark outside and is expected to remain that way until sunrise. Then expect widespead light conditions.
Now that's a smart smell.
If a circle is not round, will it roll up hill by itself?
Drying off before a shower can save a lot of time afterwards.
These two things are exactly the same except one of them is different from the other. Which one?
Go take the wrinkles out of that puddle of water.
Go down that road right there and turn about 2 miles before the dead end. You can't miss it!
Go down to Jake's barn, you know, the one that burned down 5 years ago and turn right there... left.
Large rewards offered for anonymous tips which lead to the capture and prosecution of criminals. (Ed: If you don't "get" this one, maybe you should not waste your time with the rest)
Anything I've ever done, if it wasn't fun, I didn't do it.
Vic Firth, Newport Maine owner of a Drumstick Manufacturing Company
From the Vallejo Ca., Times-Herald the first week of March, 1999 comes this jewel of confusion...Care to clarify that price, ma'am????
And... is that "Triple 10 Year Warranty" good for 30 years?
Structured programming is nice except for the fact that they don't want anyone doing a GOTO because some people are not smart enough to understand how the code works with a GOTO (a.k.a. Branch or Jump). These same people cover their inability to understand the code by saying it is 'spaghetti' code.
Well, my take on this is: When the hardware stops doing Branch instructions, I will, too!
We, here at Conglomco, Inc, believe that the fine people at our company have fixed most, if not all Y2K related bugs. However, we will keep a close eye on the situation right through the millennium and even as far as to the end of the year 1900.
You know, it wouldn't be so cold outside if it were a little warmer.
From distributed.net:
The stats database server failed to fulfill your
request, probably because it is overloaded.
Please try again, preferably later.To distributed.net: I had no idea I had the option of trying again EARLIER!
What language is that kid crying in?
The teacher did not call on someone in class for 15 minutes even though his hand was raised a lot.
I told him later he should have raised his hand louder.
There is a two-day Jazz Festival in town this weekend.
My ears will be smiling loudly both days.
Throw Mother from the train, a kiss.
Throw the cow over the fence, some hay.
What's that up in the road, ahead?
The movie I just saw was horrible, don't see it first chance you get.
Seen in the local paper last year:
Endless Summer Sale
Hurry, last three days.
I heard you twice the first time. (This is actually a jazz song title)
The plane flight was quite smooth, unusually so.
It was so nice to relax on this long, smooth trip.
Then some clear air turbulence gave us a single, hard jolt.
All on board got very quiet until...
Heard from the back of the plane: Damn speed bumps!
Why do they put fences around cemeteries?
Because people are just dying to get in.(Yeah, I know, that one is really old, but my niece laughed at it for a week and made me include it.)
As Winter looms, say:
It sure gets late a lot earlier now.Or, as Summer returns, say:
It sure stays early a lot later now.
Hey, anyone know why the network is down?
Nope, write an email to the network admin and ask him why it's down and when it will be back up.
This is not a sentence, else you would be reading it now.
When asking for volunteers, and there is plenty of silence...
"Now don't everyone not talk at once!"
The Procrastinator's Club meeting has been put off again.
I've told you a MILLION TIMES... DON'T EXAGGERATE!!!
Hey, don't bother me now. I only have two hands and I am using all three of them!
When everyone is gone, I am the boss.
If you enjoyed any of this and/or have some off-beat sayings to contribute, be sure to write to me.
